wake up

i can't wake up from this,

the carpet

torn from under me

hurled through the air

limbs frozen solid

paralyzed

eyes flickering wide

thoughts racing,

anxiety

anxiety

anxiety

too tense to move,

too afraid to stay

and still

thoughts of death,

death death

a hell I once knew

back for more

torn once more

more

more

but

I have nothing to

give except the

fear, dread, anxiety

that I drown in--

cringing in the knowledge

of the impending crash,

face-first

on the floor

a shattered mess of

blood,

teeth

and tears

-----it always comes,

but no matter how many

times you prepare, each

one

is as bad as the next

its coming

its coming

I shiver, sweat

and dream

nightmarish

dreams,

this terrible

way to live--

is

NO way to live

this is insanity

wake up!

wake up!

wake up,

this nightmare

doesn't end,

sleep too temporary

death too permanent

each hour

dragging you

two feet closer

towards impending doom

the terrible crash

the first of

many to come,

and they will.

swollen bruises

heal slowly

in cramped cages.

melancholy

the gears are grinding

but the train won't move.

only what matters

"Hard times are upon us all

only i am not trying to raise a family

to send through Harvard

or buy hunting land,

I am not aiming high

I am only trying to keep myself alive

just a little longer"

-Bukowski

horns on the horizon

come charging

towards me.

i can do nothing

to stop them

but grin,

laugh,

pray,

and cry

before

I am gored,

trampled,

and left

bleeding

in the

sunset.

The Educators

why won't our

children learn

math and science?

technology

and science will

save America,

not

history,

literature,

art,

music.

I could feel it coming

first

I tasted it in

the bitterness

of my coffee:

the slow

metallic decay--

that painful

dry clot

lodged in

my throat.

maybe it was

the price of

borrowed minutes,

hours and days

but

then it became

a rumbling,

something deeper

and I knew,

sitting in the library

amongst the students

it was something more.

curiosity had died.

I held a very private

eulogy in mind while

people

(all hell-bent in minds,

and spines)

worked ravenously

at their studies;

toiled on.

and there I sat

among them,

alone in that library,

reading for pleasure

even if I was

falling slowly

behind in mine own

studies.

my anxiety turned

to arrogance.

"these

people eat

all they are fed,

yet prepare

nothing

of their own,

so that someday

they may

feed others

only what they

know"

it grew from there

mixing with the

all too familiar

difficulties I have

with being alive.

a constant

sense of unknowing.

I left, knowing that

not all of us enjoy learning

for the sake of learning.

sad as that may be.

Life

routine,

trying

and

directionless.

but

every

once in a while

a beautiful song

plays in

the background.

and suddenly

it doesn't matter.

Happiness:

The brief moment

of ease when

you breathe

slowly

and

freely

in the

calm radiance

of a new day

and

the world is yours

once more.

I am Saved

by an angel in La Jolla.

New Year

one more gone,

one less to come.